A Legacy of Abuse: The Burden of Badness

Survivors of abuse - whether the abuse be physical, sexual or emotional – often have a very deep and profound sense of badness and harbor associated beliefs relating to unlovability and a lack of self worth. The essential badness stems primarily from an irrational identification with deserving the abuse - internalizing badness that would otherwise be more appropriately bestowed upon the abuser, which – in the case of a parent or caregiver – would have devastating consequences to one’s perception of safety and prospects for survival.

In the case of sexual abuse there is also the badness for being somehow complicit. There is badness for not knowing it was, in fact, BAD or for not knowing it sooner and then for not seeking help or seeking help sooner. When the abuse ceases, there is badness – as incomprehensible as it seems – relating to, “If my abuser was imparting love, what did I do to deserve the abandonment?” And then there is the shame one can feel in reaction to normal sensations from one’s own body from healthy sexual relations.

The abused often have a very low threshold for tolerating feelings of “badness” which can be triggered by benign and very necessary efforts to establish human connections or resolve conflict. Vulnerability is essential to connecting meaningfully with other people and yet moments of vulnerability – especially as it relates to standing in one’s truth, bearing one’s soul – can result in an excruciating tailspin of self-loathing, shame, anxiety and depression. . .all fueled by the potentially annihilating fear of being rejected and abandoned. 

Survivors of abuse too often invalidate and apologize for their very real human needs and frailties, feel ashamed by vulnerability and feel unentitled to their truth. If this is familiar to you, it is vital that you remember that you are a human being attempting to seek connection for whom connection is extremely risky. You are a human being attempting to resolve conflict for whom conflict is very dangerous and triggering. And you are a human being who may be hiding a tremendous piece of yourself and who desperately wants, needs – and deserves –  to be known as a whole person and still loved and accepted.