Jerks in Your Orbit?
I was having a conversation with a dear friend of mine the other day about “jerks.” Clients, friends, and family members often come to me complaining about “jerks” in their orbit who are behaving intolerably -- intolerably uncompassionate, intolerably egotistical, intolerably self-centered, rude, angry, and so forth. . .
I try my best to defend those people, but -- to be honest -- sometimes I’m also so absorbed in my frustration about the behavior that it’s really, very hard.
So, what is the defense? Whatever the offending behavior, people usually come by it honestly. When I say that, I mean that the behavior ultimately has some explanation, some origin, some very deep roots. . .
It may be:
a deeply ingrained reaction to the bad behavior of others, such as abuse, or oppression or aggression;
it may reflect a coping mechanism to deal with very difficult historical life circumstances;
and it may well have become a personality trait;
or it may be the result of a contemporary worry or trouble -- like a health problem, a job loss, or a relationship difficulty.
The number one thing you know is that you don’t know everything! In fact, you may really know precious little about the root of the behavior.
Therefore, the prudent and compassionate approach is to give others the benefit of the doubt. Offering compassion cannot do any harm at all and may well do a lot of good. . . with ripple effects far exceeding your imagination.
I do not defend everyone and every situation, especially those individuals who have a long history of being consistently intolerable. Why? Because human beings have the capacity to self-reflect, to perceive how we behave and are experienced by others.
We have the ability to engage in data collection about ourselves, to ask how we come off to others. AND we have the capacity to take that information in and do the self-work to be better humans. In other words, we have the capacity to transcend ourselves, and -- for our own sake -- to transcend our bad histories and heal our own pain so that we can live more fulfilling lives, loving -- and receiving love -- from others.
This is, ultimately, what everyone deserves.